A few days ago I logged on to Facebook, like I do many many times a day. Not long after scrolling through all the normal stuff, something caught my eye. A an old friend of mine had been tagged in a post and the words "RIP" were captioned. I quickly said "Please don't let this be real." and went to his page.. only to find a lot of posts sharing the same things. People shared stories of how he helped them through the hardest times in their life, how he always put a smile on their face and how kind he was. There were photos of him and his beautiful little girls.. I honestly couldn't wrap my head around any of this. My first thought was that he was killed because he was in the military.. but I was wrong.
My friend took his own life.
Just days before his birthday, he committed suicide. I found out from one of his friends that he'd been promising to get help, told everyone he was okay and that nobody needed to worry about him. Some of his family were on their way down to see him because they were worried.. but they were too late.
I went back and read through some messages we recently sent to each other. He was stationed in Ft Campbell, which was pretty close to where I was living when I lived in TN. We were talking about meeting in person finally so I could meet his family. We skyped and had a conversation. I didn't realize then how badly he was hurting. It came as such a surprise when I found out he took his own life. He was always the happiest person when we would talk, always wiling to listen to me rant about the small things that got on my nerves. He'd talk about his beautiful little twin girls, they were his world. I read the words, the memories people are putting on his wall. He was so loved. I can't help but get emotional when I read the words from his father.. "you were supposed to bury me, not the other way around... you told me Sunday night that you were going to call me back... I am still waiting by my phone for you to call... why is it that every time my phone rings... its not you.... SON, I love you so very much..."
My friend left behind two little girls. He was a father, a friend, a son, a brother, a nephew and now those people are having to deal with losing him way too early in life. Two little girls have to grow up without a father, only pictures and passed down memories. He is so loved and he was so consumed by sadness, he wasn't thinking about his actions.
I know I have spoke out about how badly I was hurting after my wreck and even after I broke up with Mikal. I felt so.. alone and there were many times where I thought suicide was my only way out. The thought crossed my mind many times and I would just pray and pray until I finally fell asleep. I didn't talk to anyone because I felt silly, my problems felt so small and I worried everyone would judge me. I'm thankful enough my sister saw through my fake smiles and called me out on everything.. I told her how I felt I had to be the strong one, that people needed to always see me happy or else I felt I would fail them.
The whole point of me sharing this is that I want you to know if you're feeling like you have no other option or nobody to talk to, please email me. I may not always have the best advice and sometimes, I have no words to say, but I promise I will listen, judge free. I know what it's like to feel alone, to feel like there's nobody. The truth is, there ARE people who care about you and are willing to listen, you just need to open up. I know how hard it can be though and I want you to know my email is always open, even if you want to be anon. Suicide is never the answer, ever.
If a friend opens up to you and tells you they are thinking about suicide, take it seriously. Don't tell someone they are silly for being sad about something. Sadness is okay but you can't let it consume you.. please talk to someone if you're thinking about suicide.
I love you all dearly.
*this post was spur of the moment. I've been trying to plan out my posts so I'm not falling behind but I felt this needed to be said.